MACHETE

–It stars the very badass Danny Trejo as Machete, a legendary ex-federale who’s randomly chosen to be the fall guy for a crooked political assassination.  But, like the trailer says, they just “(effed) with the wrong Mexican.”

–“Machete” started as one of the fake trailers during the “Grindhouse” double feature that Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino released in 2007.  But everyone loved those few minutes so much, Rodriguez decided to actually make the movie.

–Cheech Marin and Jeff Fahey will also reprise their roles from the fake trailer. 

–And they’ve gathered an amazing supporting cast that includes Michelle Rodriguez, looking about as sexy as a human female is allowed to by law . . . Jessica Alba, Robert De Niro, Steven Seagal, Don Johnson, and Lindsay Lohan.

–Lindsay only has a small role, including her “nun with a gun” action.  But don’t get your hopes too high for her nude scene because, according to Mr. Skin, she uses a body double whenever her naughty bits aren’t otherwise strategically covered by her hair.

–That’s not to say there’s a shortage of flesh.  Director Robert Rodriguez used the same trick of front-loading the movie with nudity that he used in “Sin City”.  That way, ANYONE who’s scantily clad still registers as nude in your dirty little mind.

GOING THE DISTANCE

–A romantic comedy starring Drew Barrymore and Justin Long as a couple stumbling through a long-distance relationship after an intense six-week summer fling.

–Charlie Day from “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” and Jason Sudeikis from “Saturday Night Live” play his drinking buddies . . . and Christina Applegate plays Drew’s overprotective sister.

–The film doesn’t look especially amusing from the trailer, but you might get a laugh from Christina Applegate catching them having sex on her dining room table . . . and then cringing through a family dinner whenever anyone’s food touches that table.

Official Site:  http://going-the-distance.warnerbros.com/

THE AMERICAN

–A suspense thriller starring George Clooney as an assassin hiding out in Italy after a job goes bad.  Despite wanting to quit the business, he accepts “one last job” building a custom rifle for a sexy female assassin . . . and starts up an affair with a local prostitute.

–As you might expect, quitting gets a little more complicated than he’d like.  Stick with “Machete” if you’re looking for non-stop action.  But if you’re satisfied with a slow, brooding pace and desire the sight of a shirtless George Clooney, then this is for you.

Official Site:  http://focusfeatures.com/film/the_american/

strong>“Takers” (PG-13)

–T.I. plays a bank robber whose $20 million heist is interrupted by Matt Dillon and his partner.  T.I.’s crew is made up of Chris Brown, Paul Walker, Idris Elba, Hayden Christensen and Michael Ealy.  “Avatar” minx Zoe Saldana is also in it.

Trailer:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAukh72fz9I

Official Site:  http://www.whoarethetakers.com/

“The Last Exorcism” (PG-13)

–A horror flick about a disillusioned minister who’s doing a documentary about how fake exorcisms are . . . until he encounters an actual demonic possession and has to attempt his first real exorcism to save a farmer’s daughter, and himself.

Trailer:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tak2rHa8P5I

Official Site:  http://www.thelastexorcism.com/

“Centurion” (R) (Limited)

–After a Roman legion is slaughtered in an ambush, the seven survivors try to rescue their captured general and escape the Scottish highlands with a tribe of warriors in hot pursuit.

–It’s set in 2nd century Britain and reunites “300″ costars Michael Fassbender (who you’d know from “Inglorious Basterds”) and “The Wire’s” Dominic West.  It also stars Bond girl Olga Kurylenko as the mute warrior chick hunting them down.

Trailer:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yiQCofKrYAI

Official Site:  http://www.centurionmovie.com/

“Avatar:  Special Edition” (PG-13) (Digital 3D and IMAX 3D)

–It features about eight and a half minutes of new footage, including the alien “kink” scene between Neytiri and Jake that was cut from the original release.

(–The tricked-out DVD and Blu-ray editions will be in stores this November . . . with even MORE extra footage.  But you have to wait until next year for the home 3D version, because they’re waiting for the technology to catch up.)

Trailer:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRdxXPV9GNQ

Official Site:  http://www.avatarmovie.com/

AMC has put out a four-and-a-half-minute trailer for their upcoming show, “The Walking Dead” . . . and it looks like it’s going to be pretty ill.

–”The Walking Dead” will premiere on Halloween night.

A years or so ago, Jaoquin Phoenix appeared to be bugging out. He let his beard grow, he stopped doing movies, and decided to get his rap career poppin. Come to find out it was all a elaborate social prank. Well played bro.

“The Other Guys”  (PG-13)

–Samuel L. Jackson and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson are NYPD’s finest detectives . . . while Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg are “the other guys”, two desk cops who stumble onto a major case while trying to prove themselves.

–Michael Keaton plays their boss and Eva Mendes plays Will Ferrell’s naughty wife.

(–It’s written and directed by Adam McKay, who also did Will Ferrell’s “Talladega Nights” and “Step Brothers”.)

Trailer:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZNJsbXPKUsk

Official Site:  http://www.theotherguys-movie.com

“Step Up 3D”  (PG-13)

–The third “Step Up” flick focuses on the chemistry between an Australian minx named Sharni Vinson and a former Abercrombie & Fitch model named Rick Malambri.  Like the previous films, it’s about a dance crew competing in a major dance competition.

–The supporting cast includes former contestants from “So You Think You Can Dance”.  But fans of the first two movies will still recognize some returning faces . . .

–16-year-old Disney actress Alyson Stoner, who played Channing Tatum’s little sister in the first flick, is back with some fresh moves.  And 18-year-old Adam Sevani, who you’d know as Moose from the second film, gets a much larger role in this one.

Trailer:  http://www.youtube.com/v/Z9Epdr8fJ0A

Official Site:  http://www.stepupmovie.com

Middle Men”  (R)  (Limited)

–Luke Wilson plays a businessman who immerses himself in the sex industry while helping build the world’s first billing company for online smut.  Kelsey Grammer is in it as a senator he blackmails, and James Caan is a mobster collecting on a loan.

Trailer:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Am_T56uOOnw

Official Site:  http://middlemenmovie.com/

“Twelve”  (R)  (Limited)

–Chace Crawford plays a wannabe drug dealer working New York’s wealthy Upper East Side, with 50 Cent as his shady supplier.  It’s narrated by Kiefer Sutherland, and Julia Roberts’ niece Emma Roberts plays Chace Crawford’s unsuspecting girlfriend.

Trailer:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIJ8W9_9IO8 

Official Site:  http://www.12-themovie.com

“The Oxford Murders”  (R)  (Limited) 

–John Hurt plays an Oxford professor stalked by a serial killer who leaves behind mathematical clues, and Elijah Wood is a grad student helping him solve the murders.

Trailer:  http:/“M/www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7-LbR_443c  (R)  (Limited)

Official Site:  http://www.magpictures.com/theoxfordmurders/

“Flipped”  (PG)  (Limited)

–Rob Reiner directs this coming-of-age story about first love between two kids who have feelings for each other . . . but not at the same time.  Rebecca De Mornay and Anthony Edwards are the boy’s parents and “Frasier’s” John Mahoney is his grandpa.

Trailer:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9sUo3-mj7I

Official Site:  http://flipped-movie.warnerbros.com

“Despicable Me” (PG)

–Steve Carell plays a super-villain whose evil plans are interrupted by three orphaned girls decide they want him as their father.  “iCarly’s” Miranda Cosgrove does the voice of the oldest girl.

–The rest of the cast includes Julie Andrews as Carell’s mom, Russell Brand as a decrepit old scientist who creates all his gadgets, and “How I Met Your Mother’s” Jason Segel as a rookie super-villian who foils his plans.

–Pharrell did the music, and that’s him singing the song “Despicable Me”.

Trailer:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvXMWcUhKMY

Official Site:  http://www.despicable.me

“Predators” (R)

–The latest “Predator” sequel is about a group of human mercenaries who realize they’ve been brought to an alien planet to be hunted in a Predator game preserve.

–Adrien Brody, Topher Grace, and “Machete’s” Danny Trejo are among the new arrivals.  And Laurence Fishburne plays a guy who’s survived on the planet for years.

Trailer:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9u8vZwvP57Y

Official Site:  http://www.predators-movie.com

“Paranormal Activity” cost nothing to make and was a huge surprise hit . . . so we all knew there’d be a second one.  The question is:  Will it be true to the original . . . or will a bunch of expectations and money make it a disaster on the level of “Book of Shadows:  Blair Witch 2″?

–Well, the first teaser trailer for “Paranormal Activity 2″ came out yesterday and . . . we have no idea.  All it shows is some nighttime footage inside a house.  A dog barking, a baby, a zombie-fied woman standing there, and some mysterious noises.

Last year this probably had to be me and my crews favorite show that wasn’t Curb Your Enthusiasm or It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. It’s about a washed up baseball player named Kenny Powers who is trying to get back to the majors. This show is wrong on like 15 different levels. Peep a highlight from season 1.

“The A-Team”  (PG-13)

–The big screen remake of the ’80s TV show stars Liam Neeson as Hannibal, Bradley Cooper as Face, Sharlto Copley . . . the dude from “District 9″ . . .  as Murdock, and UFC fighter Quinton “Rampage” Jackson as B.A.

–Jessica Biel is the eye candy.  She’s not actually part of the team.

–Dirk Benedict and Dwight Schultz . . . the guys who played Face and Murdock in the original show . . . are the only guys back for cameos.  George Peppard, who played Hannibal, died in 1994.  That leaves the original B.A., the one and only Mr. T.

–It’s not really clear why Mr. T isn’t doing it.  We originally heard that he refused because he objected to the sex and violence.  But yesterday, his rep said that Mr. T never said that, because he hasn’t even seen the movie yet.

–Either way, I don’t think this movie will be ANYTHING like the show I used to watch as a kid.  But depending on how you felt about the original show, that could be a good thing, or a bad thing.

“The Karate Kid” (PG)

–Will Smith’s 11-year-old son Jaden Smith got his first -on-screen kiss as the new karate kid . . . and he’s probably got more moves than Ralph Macchio EVER did. Jackie Chan has the Mr. Miyagi role, which was originally played by Pat Morita.